Blog Posts - The Father's Love

---By Ingrid Tulloch---  When I was a young woman who had come of age, I wanted more than anything else to be on my own, to make my own decisions for my life and not be under the control of my parents. So I started praying about my situation. Not long afterwards the door opened for me to attend a Navigators conference in Colorado Springs. While I was there I attended a Bible study on Second Timothy led by one of the Navigators leaders, and during the study I was struck by this verse: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (2 Tim 1:7) Here ended all confusion for me. After receiving some counselling from the leader, I made the decision that when I returned I would tell my parents right away that I was going to move out, live on my own and take steps to further my education which was to become a teacher in Early Childhood Development. When I got home, I told my parents my plans. They were puzzled, but they didn't try to stop me. My Heavenly Father had given me courage and confidence through that verse, and I often returned to it whenever I faced a difficult situation in my life. May the Lord lead and guide you in your own life! —Ingrid

In the early 80s we attended a Vineyard conference where one of John Wimber's associates was speaking. By that time Ingrid and I had listened to numerous teaching tapes by Wimber and were leading a home fellowship where we all practiced learning to heal the sick. I was excited about attending the conference, and had put together a laundry list of spiritual gifts I wanted to receive from the Lord so I could be more effective in power ministry to help build His church. So when the speaker finished teaching and invited people to come forward, I hurried to the front and waited for someone to minister to me. The speaker came and stood in front of me. (Yay, the Big Guy, just what I was hoping!) He asked me what I wanted him to pray for. I told him I wanted the gift of prophecy and the gift of tongues, and more anointing for healing, and so on and so forth. He looked at me, and then he placed his hands on me and said, "Say this prayer out loud: Father, I want to feel your love." So I prayed as directed. Next thing I knew I was on the floor bawling my eyes out. I sobbed and sobbed, silently crying "Father! I want to feel your love!" over and over again. I felt so empty. Meanwhile, the speaker had left me there and gone on to pray for someone else. Eventually I got up, dried my eyes, and went back to my seat. I don't remember the rest of the conference; I just remember feeling empty afterwards, and confused. Was this effective ministry on the speaker's part? Did he minister to me the way the Lord wanted him to? I don't know; Paul says we prophesy in part (1 Cor 13:9) and James says we make many mistakes (Jas 3:2) as we teach and minister to others. What I do know is that my hunger for knowing God — for experiencing his presence and power — continued to grow during the years that followed. But it seemed like a long time before that hunger was satisfied. But You have satisfied it, Father, thank you. May our Heavenly Father satisfy your hunger for Him too in the coming days, months and years. —Mitch

I was sitting in the living room at Mandy's place where the house church I belonged to was meeting. One of the elders was speaking on some topic. I was bored, so my mind began to wander and I had the following daydream: I needed to talk with my father about something, so I went to the castle where my father was the king. I walked across the drawbridge under the portcullis hanging above the gate and into the courtyard. Two guards in armor were standing by the castle entrance, and they ignored me as I reached to open the door and enter the castle. I walked down the hallway where other guards were silently standing at attention on either side of the hall. I approached the door to the king's chamber and looked up at the guards standing silently on either side of the doorway. I slowly opened the door and looked into the room. The king was hunched over his table together with his counsellors. They were discussing important matters while examining some papers on the table. Realizing the king was too busy that I should interrupt him for such an unimportant matter as mine was, I turned around and left the room, quietly closing the door behind me. With my head hanging and feeling sad, I walked slowly back down the passageway and out through the castle door. I walked across the courtyard, under the portcullis, and onto the drawbridge. But just as I was about to step off the drawbridge, I remembered something: Wait a minute — he's my FATHER!!! I quickly turned around and ran back through the gate into the courtyard. The guards saluted me as I approached and opened the castle door for me. I ran down the hallway and the guards on either side briskly saluted as I ran past. And when I reached the door to the king's chamber, the guards standing there opened it and waved me in to enter. I ran into the room where my father the king was busy conferring with his counsellors, and I shouted "Dad! Dad!!" The king immediately straightened up and looked straight at me. Then he brusquely waved away his counsellors and told them to leave the room. Pushing his papers aside, he lifted me onto his table and putting his arm around me, said, "Son, what's wrong?" I can't help wanting to cry whenever I remember this daydream. I'm crying right now in fact, even though this happened many years ago when I was a young man who had only been a Christian a few years. It was my first powerful experience of the fatherhood of God, and the effect it had on the others in our house church — I think someone had asked me what I thought about the topic being discussed, and when I didn't respond they realized my attention had been elsewhere — but when I told the group what I had been just been daydreaming, the effect on them was electric: "Whoooaaahhh!" most of them said, leaning back on their sofas in amazement. That felt nice. At the end of our house church service, one of the elders asked if I would like to bring the message the following Sunday. I said yes, and I spent that whole week trying to think up more parables (made-up stories that taught a lesson) I could share with the group. Well, the following Sunday finally arrived, and the church members looked on with smiling expectation as I began sharing my parables... They were hugely disappointed. My thought-up parables were contrived and lame, and I felt more and more embarrassed as I shared them under the increasing frowns of the listeners. Needless to say, no one thanked me at the end of my sermon. That didn't feel nice. Some thoughts and analysis Clearly my experience had been more than just a daydream: it was a revelation of the Father's love. One might expect that such a revelation would have had a deep and lasting effect on my understanding of the Fatherhood of God and my relationship with Him. It didn't. I was still the same insecure young man afterwards: passive, unassertive, lacking in confidence, full of self-doubt and plagued with anxiety. My revelation didn't "take" in my innermost being and had zero impact on my spiritual growth as a young Christian. Why? Perhaps it was because I already understood that God was my Father and that He loved me, for I knew I had eternal life because of what Jesus had done for me on the cross. So my daydream didn't really tell me anything that I didn't already know. But I think the real reason my daydream had so little impact on me was because of my relationship with my earthly father. I loved my dad, and I know he loved me too; he proved that in so many ways when I was growing up. But my dad had his own struggles with insecurity that affected his behavior towards me and which left me feeling uncertain about his love for me. For example, dad could be demonstrative in showing affection by giving me hugs and expressing admiration for my achievements. But he could also be sharp and cutting with his words, calling me a jerk when I did something stupid or withdrawing in coldness whenever I rejected his advice. Because of these mixed messages I received from him, I found it difficult to approach my father whenever I needed something, fearing he might reject my request. But whenever I did ask him for something, he almost always gave it to me. I think this confusion I experienced regarding my earthly father's feelings towards me probably carried over into my relationship with my new Father when I became a Christian. The first part of my daydream seems to confirm this, while the dream's ending shows my Heavenly Father's true feelings towards me. But just as my dad's demonstrations of affection could be negated by a single expression of his criticism, my assurance of God's love towards me was similarly precariously balanced at this point in my Christian life. After all, what if I don't live up to my Heavenly Father's expectations? Will He still love me? And yes, I was aware that Romans 8 says there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. But what if I sometimes still walked according to the flesh instead of according to the Spirit? Was I truly in Christ if I struggled so often with sin in my life? These kinds of arguments raged through my mind in the early years of my Christian life. Truth is, even though I had become a convinced Evangelical by that point, all the sound doctrine I had learned didn't really help me very much — and this despite having read all six volumes of Martin Lloyd-Jones's commentary on Romans and memorized much of the first eight chapters of Romans in the original Greek! In a future post I'll explore this question of why experiences of God's love don't always help help us grow spiritually. But for now, let me just conclude with one final, and I think very important, observation concerning my house church daydream/revelation. I believe that the most fundamental reason why this particular revelation had so little impact upon me personally is because it wasn't actually intended for me: it was intended for the others who attended that house church meeting. My daydream was a gift from the Holy Spirit, and such gifts are given for the common good (1 Corinthians 12:7) not to bring the person who delivers the gift high regard from others or boost their self-esteem. But none of us in our house church understood this as we were all die-hard Evangelicals: good, solid Christians, but limited in some ways by our cessationist theology. So when I shared my daydream with them, the elders reacted by thinking I must be a gifted teacher and invited me to bring the message next time. And since among Evangelicals being a gifted preacher is often viewed as the sina qua non of being a committed Christian, I readily assented to their invitation — and was then deeply hurt by their reaction on the following Sunday. Fortunately I now have a better understanding of what the Christian life is supposed to be like, some of which Ingrid and I have tried to describe in our free book Simple Kingdom: Discipleship . But I'm telling you, it's been a long, hard journey, and I'm looking forward to reaching the finish line. Because then there won't be any more questions —I'll see Him face to face. Take care, and be filled to overflowing with the Father's love. —Mitch

The affirmation of a loving father is important for the emotional development of a growing adolescent. The mother's role is to nurture the young child. The father's role is to prepare the adolescent for separation — for entry into the world as an independent person. One day when I was still a young man who had recently married and was starting his career, I went to visit my parents. After talking with my mother and devouring some of her recent baking, I went outside to greet my dad. He was sitting in the back yard with his two golf buddies, the Dawn Patrol, enjoying drinks together and talking about old times. Dad was on supplementary oxygen at the time; it was a couple of years before his death from pulmonary fibrosis. I loved my dad, and I know he loved me, but I also knew he wasn't very demonstrative, so I had no expectations as I sat down to join them for a few minutes. I decided however that instead of just being the passive son who mostly listened, I would try to actively join their "adult" conversation. And I did. I asked questions, made comments, and joked around for a while. Then when I got up to say goodbye and leave, I stretched out my arm to shake hands with each of Dad's friends, and last of all with him. Dad grasped my hand tightly and squeezed it hard, and looked into my eyes with a smile on his face. I understood immediately what he was silently trying to communicate to me: "I'm proud of you. You're a man now, and you joined us and behaved just like a man should. I'm so proud of you, my son." My heart thrilled as I walked to my car. My father had just affirmed my manhood, and for the next couple of days I was flying high. Even now I almost cry as I remember this experience. Many years later I had a similar experience with my Heavenly Father. The church family I belonged to had allowed idolatry and immorality to creep into their teaching and practice. God showed me that I should address this matter, so I wrote a book and sent it to all of their leaders and to individuals I knew in various congregations. The response I got surprised me. Those who were not in leadership said "Hey, this is good teaching!" Those in leadership however either sharply criticized me or ignored me. But I knew in my heart that I had been faithful, because I did what the Lord had told me to do. A few weeks later Ingrid and I were watching an action movie together in our den. We were movie buffs at that time and had built up quite a DVD collection which later on helped us weather the isolation of the COVID lockdown period. Anyways, about two-third of the way through the movie, something remarkable happened. Heaven opened, just a crack, up above my left shoulder and near the window in our loft. And a soft voice came from heaven, saying, "My son." This experience only lasted a second or two, then the voice of Tom Cruise or whoever it was entered my awareness again. This really happened — I kid you not. I immediately understood that my Heavenly Father was affirming me, telling me He was proud of me, of what I had done — being obedient to Him regardless of the cost. But my reaction to this experience surprised me. Unlike my earthly father's handshake many years ago, this time I felt no great emotional high afterwards. Instead, I just felt warm contentment, and silently said "Thanks Father, I love you too" in my heart. I guess I'm more mature today than I was back then. But while I may be a fully-grown man now, I'm still just His child. May you too know the affirming love of your Heavenly Father. —Mitch

The door opened and I was about to step off the bus when God spoke to me: "I have healed you." I paused in wonder for a moment, and then becoming aware that the bus driver was impatiently waiting, I stepped down and walked towards the high school where I was the Physics teacher. As I walked, I reflected on what God had said and realized that what He was telling me was that I was no longer an insecure adolescent like the students I was teaching. I was now an adult — I was then in my early 30s and had been married several years — and though I could still remember what it felt like to be a teenager, there was now a healthy distance between myself and my students. I felt that God was affirming my manhood by these words, and this made me feel happy inside. But then a few days later, and again while I was on the bus to work, God spoke to me once more: "I will heal your manhood." Argh, I don't understand, Lord! You told me I was healed, and now you promise that you're going to heal me?? I struggled for several weeks over these two seemingly contradictory divine utterances, but then slowly I began to understand what God was saying to me. He was indeed affirming me, but He was also saying that I still had some way to go before I reached mature manhood. It's now several decades after these early experiences, and I'm thankful that I'm now a lot closer to being fully mature. But I'm not quite there yet; I'm still learning and growing as my Heavenly Father continues to father me. My prayer for you today is what Paul prayed for the Ephesians: that with the Father's help you may reach "mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ" (Eph 4:13). Be blessed and filled with the Father's love for you. —Mitch